Relational Parasitism

Recent events in my life have caused me to reflect on relationships.  More specifically, on MY relationships.  I'm not speaking of marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend or even friendships per se but on relationships as a whole. 

I woke up this morning to the realization that a relationship that I was in has become parasitic.  What I mean by parasitic is that their needs and their wants have been met but alas mine were not.  Is this a rant?  possibly...is this bitching and whining? maybe.  But it got me to thinking.  Relationships, whether it be friend or lover, walk a fine line between symbiosis and parasitic. 

• SYMBIOSIS

1. Biology .

a. the living together of two dissimilar organisms, as in mutualism, commensalism, amensalism, or parasitism.

b. (formerly) mutualism (  def 1 ) .

2. Psychiatry. a relationship between two people in which each person is dependent upon and receives reinforcement, whether beneficial or detrimental, from the other.

3. Psychoanalysis . the relationship between an infant and its mother in which the infant is dependent on the mother both physically and emotionally.

4. any interdependent or mutually beneficial relationship between two persons, groups, etc

 

• PARASITISM

 

1. Biology . a relation between organisms in which one lives as a parasite on another.

2. a parasitic mode of life or existence.

 

It wasn't an angry realization.  It was more of a light bulb moment.  I realized that this person was fulfilling their needs, or more importantly I was fulfilling their needs while mine went unfulfilled.  The contact, the conversations, the interactions were all fulfilling their needs.  They were in essence feeding off of me.  Instead of a mutual relationship where both "organisms" receive something from the exchange...I was left empty. 

In nature, most parasitic relationships end with the host dying.  Let me reiterate that statement.  In nature, most parasitic relationships end with the HOST dying.  If you find yourself in a parasitic relationship you should seriously consider letting go.  Ending the relationship.  Walking away. 

Can a parasitic relationship be redeemed?  Of course.  Don't get me wrong.  I believe in LOVE.  I believe in TRUE LOVE and the power it has to conquer all.  The problem is within the parasite.  The parasite has to change.  Instead of feeding off the other person the parasite needs to begin to give back to the relationship.  The parasite needs to reinforce the HOST or the host will DIE.

Can it be done? yes.  Is it likely?  therein lies my cynical perspective.  I think it can be done but I don't think it is very likely.  (I'm not just speaking to my relationship but as a society as a whole).  It reminds me of the saying "a leopard can't change his spots" or the story about the scorpion and the frog/turtle crossing the river.  "I can't help it.  It's in my nature". 

 

Is this to say that these people are naturally parasitic?  No.  They may have become parasitic over time or the relationship may have just gotten to the point where they took more than they wanted to give.  Are they always the parasite?  No.  I would imagine there are relationships where they are the HOST.  And it may be that very relationship that is causing them to be a parasite in yours.  They don't have the "energy" for you because they are drained in another relationship. 

 

Life is about balance.  And we need to start taking control of ourselves, our energy, and our lives.  We need to stop allowing relational parasites to feed off of us and start living again.  A natural, healthy life of MUTUAL beneficial relational exchange. 

 

                                                                                                         -E- 

 

 What do you think?  Do you have a relational parasite in your life?  Do you think it is a fine line?  Please leave a comment and let me know....

 Be on the LOOKOUT for my debut novel coming October 15, 2013!!!  https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/360666

 

 

Your TALENT is a gift from GOD not to be wasted

     One of my favorite parables from the bible is the Parable of the Talents from Matthew 25:14-30.  Originally, at first glance, I thought the parable was about money.  Essentially talents were a unit of financial measurement in biblical times.  However, as I read it more it made sense to me that the "talents" could also refer to "gifts and/or skill" that people are blessed with.  I believe this is where we get our use of the word as it relates to musical talent and artistic talent among others.  In the parable of course the master leaves his servants with the financially related talents.  The first servant takes the 5 talents and invests them and has 10 talents to give to the master.  The second servant does similarly but with only 2 talents.  The final servant has only one talent and buries it and does not increase the master's talents.  The parable states that each is given talents according to their ability.  The reason I love this parable is that each one of us has abilities.  No two of us have the same ability in all areas but we are ALL required to utilize our talents for the benefit of the kingdom.  Not all of us are superstar athletes or musical stars.  Not all of us are gifted speakers.  But we are ALL required to USE our talents for the benefit of the master.  It is only when we bury our gifts or skills...our TALENTS that the master becomes displeased.  Burying our talents could be as simple as working an unfulfilling job that doesn't utilize our gifts.  It could be as simple as just marking time in our lives and not truly living out our divinely appointed purpose.  The main point is that we are called to use our talents, not hide them, bury them or let them waste. 

     Who determines what a talent/gift/or skill is?  One person may be very understanding with their kids.  Another person may be a great listener.  Sometimes it's just comforting having a certain person to talk too.  The problem comes from when society attempts to determine for people what a "talent" is.  Often times this is attached with financial gain but can be very misleading.  There are teachers with ENORMOUS talent for reaching our kids and teaching that are severely underpaid.  There are police officers that are EXCELLENT at diffusing a situation with just their words.  All of these, to me, seem like talents. 

     There are numerous ways to determine your gifts or talents.  There are churches that offer service aptitude tests.  There are psychological assessments that help people through surveys and questionnaires to determine talents or skills.  Even trial and error is a great way to determine your talents.  Not sure if you are a talented painter?  grab a brush.  Not sure if you can sing? go to a karaoke bar and give it a try.  Regardless of the way in which you discover your talents the key is to DISCOVER them.  Discovering your talents opens up an opportunity to use them for the benefit of mankind.  And that can only be a good thing...

                                                                                             -E-

Bankruptcy is Morally and Biblically OK!

A lot of times I have potential clients that come in to my office with heads hung low griping and grousing about how they just can't make it anymore.  They extoll "I borrowed the money but after I...

• lost my job
• got sick or hurt
• kid's got sick or hurt
• reduction in income

I just couldn't pay them anymore and the credit companies wouldn't work with me."  They go on to explain how they were not raised that way and that it is against their values.  It's usually at that time that I make my appeal to their better judgment.  Bankruptcy is Morally and Biblically OK! First of all, it is a federal law.  A group of people who ARE a lot smarter than I am sat down and realized that sometimes, bad things happen to good people.  They also realized that debtor's prisons were not the most enlightened response to a financial problem.  Therefore, they came up with a federal LAW that allows people to discharge their debts.  A law that has been used by:

• Presidents: Thomas Jefferson and Abe Lincoln in order to overcome failed business ventures.  If HONEST Abe can file bankruptcy over a failed business venture and go on to become President of the United States it seems that YOU as a debtor could file and reorganize your left for the better and not feel too much shame.
• Celebrities: P.T. Barnum...yes, that famous Greatest Show on Earth Barnum; Mark Twain; Henry Ford and even our beloved Walt Disney
• Companies: American Airlines; Texas Rangers (the sports team, not the law enforcement agency) and even Hostess.....say it ain't so Twinkie...say it ain't so...

I know I know.  The term "deadbeats" gets thrown around a lot.  (I would imagine Honest Abe would have decked someone for calling him a deadbeat...but that's just me)  Mainly by creditors. (Not a big fan :-)  )  The truth of the matter though is that the federal LAW has a significant amount of checks and balances in order to weed the "deadbeats" out from the system.  Which, mind you, comprises a very minute amount of cases.  Most people are just down on their luck decent people looking to survive a crisis.  So why bully them?  There are wise judges, stern trustee attorneys and creditor hired guns all looking through the paperwork to find "deadbeats".  Must we shame debtors as well?  So does the fact that it is a federal LAW approved by Congress make it morally OK?  Well, that depends on which side your on.  Do you think laws are enacted to protect society? protect the people? for the well being of the world?  Or do you feel that even though a law is enacted it can still be morally bankrupt?

As far as biblically OK goes I believe it was Jesus that said in Matthew 6:12 "And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors."  Some would say it is interpreted as "trespasses" or "sins" but regardless of how you spin it its ultimately an act of forgiveness.  Jesus evens tell the story of the Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor in Matthew 18:21-35.  (I could type out the whole story but honestly, grab a bible and look it up)  If Jesus considers the forgiveness of debt OK then why shouldn't we as a society?  I believe the root cause of the problem is fairness.  Is it fair that their debt is forgiven while you have to pay yours?  No.  Is it fair that you work two jobs to support your family and to pay your bills and they walk their debts? No.  But...if you want to talk about fairness you need to make sure you not only JUDGE them but also JUDGE yourself.  Is it fair that you have two jobs while someone else is unemployed?  Is it fair that you have a house while other people are homeless?  Unfortunately we tend to judge others by a different standard than ourselves.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people and we, as people and as a society, should not judge them.  We should not shame them.  We should not blame them.  We should bend a knee to the dirt, grab them by their arms and lift them back into our fold gently dusting the circumstances from their shoulders and listening intently to their plight.
                                                                                                          -E-

Choice...

Choice is one of the greatest gifts GOD has given us.  Choice is often times the reason GOD is blamed for events beyond our control.  But ultimately it's not GOD that directs these events against us.  It is the consequences of someone elses choices that we are dealing with.  At the time of creation GOD created Adam and Eve.  He gave them the most important gift of all.  The gift of choice.  The choice was exploited by the adversary and it resulted in a great fall of mankind.  This great fall again resulted in one of the most important choices a person can make.  To accept the savior, Jesus Christ, or not.  It is said that GOD never casts a person into hell.  They willing walk, through choice.  They choose to live a life without the creator.  Given all the options and all the information they turn from Jesus and willingly walk into the embrace of the void.  An eternity of separation from the creator.

• Violence - in the instance of violence the offender often times makes the choice to commit the violent act.  It's not GOD directing the offender to attack or hurt someone.  The offender is allowed the choice to harm or not harm.  The victim also has the choice to allow the offense to change them either for the good or for the bad.   
• Nature - sometimes people cry out to GOD when a natural disaster wipes out an entire town or city.  However, the choice was made to live in that area.  Some people choose to live in flood zones or tornado alley.  Do we blame the hurricane when we live on the coast or do we blame GOD for not diverting it from our homes? 

Bad things happen.  Good things happen.  Why is it we blame GOD for the bad things but have such a hard time giving glory for the good things?  Why is it that we cry out to GOD during our pain but not during our joy?  Perhaps again we are making the choice on where our focus lies.  Maybe we should strive to give glory to GOD for our pain because it tests our mettle.  Surviving the pain makes us stronger and more compassionate towards others that are going through similar circumstance.  It allows each and every one of us that has suffered some loss or some indignity to minister to others where no other opportunity may have existed before.  Weep your tears.  Cry out to GOD.  And when you are finished...make the choice to use your pain for the benefit of others and you will begin to see that the CHOICE has always been yours.

                                                                                       -E-